etorchbearer

2006-02-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

am deciding which counter top water filter to use. 2 brands come in mind. elken bio-pure or panasonic alkaline ioniser.

can someone enlighten me please?

2006-01-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

Went prospecting today. GT stayed over since it was too late to go back when the movie ended. as usual, GT rambled on and on about her love life, and i forced myself to listen to her, keeping my eyes open although it was already 1.30 a.m. then, i couldnt tahan anymore, and bid good night to her. gosh, her love life is so interesting...all men want to go to bed with her!

woke up at 6.30 a.m. to wake her up for church. was sleep walking when i accompanied her to the car. came back, slept till 10 a.m. was tired. was afraid that i couldnt go prospecting. forced myself to be mentally prepared. gosh, what did i put myself into? no discipline!

met chew. had quite a productive outing. am confident that he will eventually consume the products. felt good about myself:)

came home, watched Australian Open. was hoping to catch FedEx. He is good! then, went out again to Christina's place at Palm Spring. thank God i didnt end up buying that place or stay there. congested, out of the way and too small. i still prefer my loft:)

as i drove out, i noticed Cita Bay. gosh, we came here before, wondering whether to get a unit here. again, my heart bled. why is it that everything i do must remind me of her? why? so depressed again. wanted to speak to R. went to BF, but her car wasnt there.

decided to rush back, change and headed for Lake Gardens for my evening walk. the walk was good.

well, i would say had quite a productive day.

2006-01-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

organised a surprise birthday din for MK. felt so alone during the dinner.

managed to get hold of R from BF. it was nice talking to her. it's like talking to an old friend.

today, i'm back to my old self. feel so depressed. nothing can cheer me up la. very upset. i also feel that i lost a good friend, MY who just got married.

2005-12-28T04:03:00.000-08:00

I guess this has been the worst Christmas for me. Wanted to be MIA so I went home when my folks were here. Didn't have any meals with my brother. Told him that I wanted solitary.

When I got back to KL, I met up with MK. She said that I'm terrible to do such things.

Well, it has come to a point that I shouldnt really bother with people's views. As long as I am happy.

2005-12-15T02:53:00.000-08:00

I have been MIA for the past few days. no calls, no msgs. no sound or noise. so my good pal, MK who text me almost daily, started to call me when I didn’t reply. MK felt that something was amiss, so MK contacted MY. MY who is busy preparing for her wedding, called me out of the blue. of course, I know that MK contacted MY. I hadn’t been from MY for wks since she is so busy.

I kept on telling MK that I’m ok. just need to sort of things. MK didn’t believe. called my brother. Brother, out of the blue, asked me how am I doing?

finally, I summed up all the courage to meet up with MK to show to her in person that I am ok. could feel that during the drink, she was trying to control her anger because I went MIA and worried her. well I don’t blame her for worrying but I feel that her worries are excessive. she doesn’t have faith in me. I know that our friendship has blossomed extensively for the past year and we are more than friends – like sisters. but I needed time out…MK called me on average 3 times a day, texted me in the morning and night for four days…I had no peace for 4 days…

I really want time out to sort out things especially family matters and career. I cant think when the phone keeps on ringing!?!

I’m still thinking whether to attend the Christmas Dinner this Sunday…I have purchased the ticket but I don’t feel sociable. I am not into entertaining at the moment. MK has been asking me what am I wearing, MY asked whether I have got the tickets, GT expects me to be there…well, I’m going to MIA again.

2005-12-12T06:29:00.000-08:00

I was actually dreading this day. The day that I went back to CS to collect my things. Ever since I was on MC and I handed in my resignation, I didn’t step inside CS. It was just too painful to be there, and be flooded with painful memories.

but I know that this has to be done sooner or later. I went to see the HR, where my library books are still there. so there I was, returned my library books and spent a few minutes with the HR. what a waste that the HR manager was not there. so I just left a note for her. it seemed that the management was having meeting.

I knew that I had to bid my former students farewell. I wanted them to remember me as a lecturer who really cared for them. so I spoke to Joey, the lecturer assigned to take over my class that I would like to have a few words with the students. Told them that I was leaving and I left them my email add. Then I went out and ask Joey how are things. Before long, most of the students came out and ask me about my foot and how to go about it. that touched my heart. then I walked down the stairs, and one of the students came running after me. he gave me the plaster for muscle ache. that really brightened my day. I guess I managed to establish good rapport with them. I really wish that they find job soon.

it really made me feel good.

I hadn’t been wanting to be in touch with anyone. I hadn’t been picking up calls or replying smses except for family. I really want to be out of touch and sort things out. very very muddled up.

2005-11-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

i am currently on a different medication. so last time, i couldnt sleep, and now i need more sleep. so when is this going to end? it is either too little or too much. and now i'm low on reserves. keep on thinking about it. so worried sick abt it. and i feel so numb. cant focus. cant concentrate on what people are telling me.

2005-11-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

it's now 3.40 am and i still cant sleep. the insomina is really driving me nuts...

i don't know what else to do. i have painted, done a collage, did some admin work. not up to reading as i will feel more depressed. how la????

2005-11-13T05:11:00.000-08:00

went for lunch with GT and her kids. it was quite an eye opener because i cant imagine myself doing the same if i do have my own family. really a challenge.

GT was telling her problems. i could so well relate to her as i am going through a tough time too but of course different situation. i cant believe that i broke down in front of her. i guess i needed that. an outlet.

feeling very down. am suffering from allergic reaction from the medication. my lips are badly ulcered. so painful. seeing strings of drs now. i really wonder what is next...

2005-11-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

went out for din with LN. told her what is exactly happening to me. she told me that she was upset that she couldnt do anything to help. well, its heartening to know at this point in time who my real friends are.

am seriously thinking of going away end of the mth when my bro and mom are here. cant take it anymore.

2005-11-11T14:43:00.000-08:00

am awake since 5 am. decided to get out of bed at 6 am. cant sleep. this insomnia is really giving me tortures. never had i had insomnia as long as i can remember.

was feeling ok till mom called giving me the normal emotional blackmail. she always wants me to be by herside. i'm so sick of this that whenever they are around i just want to be away. feel so sufffocated. i really do not know how to tell them this. i know that it will be hurtful.

i'm so tired...

2005-11-11T02:55:00.000-08:00

today was quite ok. met up with an ex colleague who is back fr US for a short holiday. she talked abt my ex, ST. she is worried as to why ST is smoking and drinking so much. well, on hind sight, i feel that i shldnt feel bad that we parted as i cant change who she is.

then wanted to go to the national library. the road signs in kl are atrocious. the collection of books and mags there are atrocious. vow not to go there anymore.

well, i really hope that i can do FL well. i know it will be big in the near future.

2005-11-10T00:51:00.000-08:00

did some drawings and paintings of baby blues. most of it depict how i feel - frustrated, sad, anguish, the need to be loved. but overall, i am quite happy with the picture. feel good abt it.

i just hope that i can last through till next year

2005-11-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

GT came about 930 pm to discuss abt the fund raising event for the upcoming xmas. we are raising funds for one of the homes. well what can i say abt her. she's loud and full of ideas. but what is holding me back is that MK is related to her and MK has told me quite a bit of her. i know it's bad for me but i cant help thinking abt her at the back of my mind.

i am really not fully committed to this fund raising thing cos of some irritating com members. i don't think i shld add stress to myself at this point of time.

but seriously, not to say i'm pessismistic, i dont think the event will be a great success at the rate we are going. there is too little time to get things in order. in other words, i dont really care. i just do my part. i will not go out on a limb.

i'm just thinking that since i'm on mc and so accustomed to not working, i dont really feel comfortable going back to employment. how la? my reserves are running low. i wish to buy quite a number of things. and FL is not that easy to do. may be that is what causing my insomnia.

i do miss MK a lot. i really love her kids. they just accept me for who am i without judgement.

2005-11-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

i had a wonderful time yesterday. spent the day with MK's kids. her kids are just adorable. they climb all over me. it gave me a sense of security and i felt wanted. i really feel at home at MK's hse.

but then, i went to see prof m for my scheduled appointment. as usual, it didnt help me. really fed up that we reached plateau. i have been seeing him for one year now and i feel that his approach is very conventional compared to dr B.

GT called asking me to help out with the fund raising project. i thought that i made it clear with AL that i'm pulling out? but since GT asked, and it's something that i can do about it, i relented.

i guess the ppl who suffer the most from this whole situation is my fly. they don't know what is going on and i'm keeping mom. it's not that i don't want to tell, it' s a very complex situation.

2005-11-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

finally MY called. she is fine but mega busy with the wedding preparation. she was upset that i called SM to find out how MY is. i told MY that i did that cos i wanted to be assured that she is really fine. but she said i could have asked MK. i did but i wasnt really assured. anyway, in a nutshell, MY is fine.

still feeling so out of this world. do not know what to do with myself. i am so tired cos i cant sleep every night la. so irritating.

2005-11-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

i had been feeling so low and i had been thinking abt suicide many many times...i didn't feel like getting out of bed today. went to the net to see the easiest and fastest way. no such thing. i'm stumped. plus again, i couldnt sleep last night. decided to see rachael of befrienders. i have been talking to her for more than 6 months now. she has been thro rough times herself and she knows what is it like to be in my shoes. thus, i need her, as much as i need my dr. she helps me to see things in different perspective.

dr only knows the theory, so yes he helps to a certain extent.

2005-11-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

as usual, i'm having insomnia. cant sleep. reading, watching tv, counting sheeps do not help. i really do not know what else to do. drink milk? getting too much flatulence.

been reading baby blues comics. quite funny. it has been such a long time that innocence is a pleasure, rather than a pretence.

really worried sick abt MY. she is usually not like that. i hope that everything between her and AL is fine. and worst of all, MK is saying that i shouldnt worry so much. MY is just too busy with her wedding preparations...

2005-11-04T05:38:00.000-08:00

been trying to get hold of MY but she is not answering. don't know what is wrong with her. very worried abt her. have a sixth sense that she is not ok. my sixth sense so far has served me well. i know that she is getting married soon, but i'm sure she can still manage a 5 minute phone conversation with me...

hoping to catch chicken little tomorrow...don't know whether can get tix...

2005-11-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

couldnt sleep until 5 am this morning. my insomnia is getting from bad to worst. am not taking sleeping tablet as i think my body is getting immuned to it. been thinking a lot of MSI. really must do something abt it. my reserves are not deep enough.

any suggestions besides MLM anyone? am already into an MLM - fitline

2005-11-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

went to borders today to return the noonday demon book. it was highly recommended on the net, but reading it was like reading a textbook. returned it and got baby blues comics. pretty entertaining. wanted to get calvin and hobbes but most of them were black and white prints. not value for money. thought of doing some drawing and colouring to occupy my time these days.

parents coming for visit tomorrow. dont know what to feel la....

2005-11-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

woke up this morning thinking what is the point of getting up? still very upset abt how my ex treated me when i needed help. i have been more than willing to help but not vice versa. dr has been saying that i cant control what ppl feel and think so i should just accept. but it is always easier said than done.

aiyah...life sucks la.

2005-11-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

went to kinokuniya today to get some books recommended by dr. it wasnt easy walking around klcc using the crutch. now i understand how ppl in wheelchairs feel. msia isn't wheelchair friendly at all.

managed to get what i wanted. quite happy about that. just thinking that i'm spending so much on books.

feeling pretty down. very tired. very low on reserves. how la...?

2005-10-31T19:59:00.000-08:00

admitted myself to the hospital when i had extremely terrible suicide thoughts. was there for 3 days. it was ok. talked to MK. MK told me that i should life for myself, not my parents. been thinking a lot about it. that's why i am so drowned in depression that i can't get out of it. i hope that i will find the courage to fight this. i have to. it's causing a big hole in my pocket.

2005-10-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

went to get a second opinion from another orthopaedic. i'm really confused. am told that my foot injury is not serious at all. thus, no surgery required. gosh.

today has been a bad day. car couldn't start to go to the hospital. had to hail a cab. had to walk to the main road. then it started raining...

but at least there is rainbow admist the storm. was told by HR that my students miss me...that meant a lot to me.

2005-10-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

my phone is barred because over the credit limit. been sending msgs to my folks overseas and didnt know that they cost a fortune. now, i must find a way to pay since i'm house bound...hmmm...

2005-10-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

feeling very down…my foot is in a cast. may need surgery. another period of hospitalization? doc suggested that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). have been diagnosed with major depression since early this year. very suicidal at the moment. how? just called the befrienders…the guy on duty put me off. didn’t want to talk much to him.